The List of the Forbidden

The chief complaint about the English language and the writing process is that there are few to no hard-and-fast rules. "I" before "E" except after "C"...90% of the time. It seems there's always an exception to the rule lurking around the corner.

Until today.

Writing academic essays--no matter the topic--is unlike any other kind of writing out there. It's direct, clear, emphatic, researched, and highly polished. And if you want to succeed as an academic writer, there are some iron-clad rules you must follow.

1. The following words are forbidden:

* things
* stuff
* a lot
* get
* everyone/everybody
* we/us/our/you

Why these? Because they are vague. Want proof? Here it is:

a. "Everybody" doesn't know, feel, or experience the same facts, emotions, or events. You can't even say that "everybody knows that the sky is blue." Some people are blind and don't know what "blue" is. So you can't very well use the word to factually support an argument, can you? If you're referring to a group of people, name them: Americans, parents, voters, Christians, etc.

b. Things. There are many "things" on this planet. Which one are you discussing? Can you name it? Watch this:

Example: Steve Jobs mentions several interesting things in his book, including future products that will help many people.

Revised: Steve Jobs mentions in his book several interesting projects his company is working on that will revolutionize the way people use technology.

Which sentence would YOU want in your essay?

c. Stuff. The "things" of 5-year-olds.

d. A lot. If you're talking about "a lot" in your essay, it better refer to a piece of real estate. It's a Paris Hilton substitute for the words "much", "many" and "several." Use one of them and leave "a lot" alone.

e. "Get" is a generic word that takes the zing straight out of your essay. A host of more specific and sophisticated words can replace "get": retrieve, purchase, obtain, achieve, receive, etc. So REMOVE (not get) "get" from your repertoire.

f. "We", "us", and "our" are collective pronouns. They are used to refer to yourself and at least one other person when you and that person have been named in a previous sentence, as in "Julie and I laughed; we had a good time." But most of the time when students use "we" and "us", they haven't named anyone. The result is an essay that sounds preachy, especially when the writer directly addresses the reader by using "you". Not only are these words vague, their use suggests that the reader shares the same ideas and beliefs as the writer, which can offend the reader--who happens to be your professor!

2. No contractions.

I may use contractions (you're, can't, won't) on my blog, but NEVER in an academic essay. Abbreviations (b/c, w/o) are a no-no, too. Write out every word. Nearly all professors require students to do so, and it will make your essay look and sound more professional and intelligent.

3. Don't start sentences with coordinating conjunctions.

Starting a sentence with a coordinating conjunction (and, or, but) is a great way to create a conversational style. But you're not writing a blog or a short story. You're writing an academic essay. That means conversational style is out and professionalism is in. Put those conjunctions where they traditionally belong: in the middle of the sentence. Need a transition? Use "however", "therefore", "moreover", etc.

4. Avoid cliches and idioms.

Using figures of speech to make your point usually backfires. When you use them, you aren't being specific or professional. The meaning behind some cliches and idioms aren't always clear. Also, idioms tend to vary by region and culture, so the ones you use may not be ones your professor has heard.

Example: The US Senate has a long row to hoe when it comes to passing health care reform.

Revised: The US Senate will have to fight long and hard to pass health care reform.

5. No questions. Especially rhetorical ones.

Just because the writing prompt is in the form of a question does not give you license to phrase your thesis in the form of a question. It's called a thesis STATEMENT for a reason. The same goes for your essay's title. EVERYTHING in your paper should be phrased as a fact. Make statements, then provide the evidence to support them.

The same goes for rhetorical questions. Your job as the writer is to convince the reader of your point of view--NOT leave the reader to form an opinion based on his or her emotional response to a loaded question. Asking rhetorical questions is a cheap (and damaging) way to avoid building an effective argument.

Any questions?